Listening is a powerful skill that is learned. It takes practice, practice and more practice. There are two things people do if they don’t feel heard. They will repeat themselves over and over and/or raise their voice. Many people have a mistaken belief: if I yell at you, then you will listen to me. This, of course, is often not the case. In fact, most people shut down and stop listening when they are yelled at.

However, it’s nice to be able to tell when people don’t feel like they’re not being heard. As I suggested, they will start screaming or repeat themselves. If this happens, it is a clear indication for you to actively listen. If you find yourself repeating yourself to someone or yelling at them, you probably think they’re not listening to you either. You could ask them to actively listen.

So what is active listening?

Active listening is a therapeutic tool that has been around for a long time. Basically, I’m telling you what I heard you say. I use your words as faithfully as possible. I do not interpret your words; I use your words. This helps us speak in the same language, be it visual, auditory or kinesthetic. This may seem like I’m just parroting or imitating you, but I’m not. I’m just repeating your words, and you’ll feel like I’m finally listening to you. When I repeat your words, it does not mean that I agree or disagree with you. It just means I hear what you say. Once you’re clear that I hear what you’re saying on the surface level, you can move on to the next level, and then the next level, until you finally tell me what you really mean. You couldn’t tell me the deeper message until you knew I heard the surface message. Without active listening, you would not feel heard. You would feel like you would have to argue with me to prove your point for me to agree with you. When I’m actively listening, you don’t have to convince me of anything. I don’t have to prove you wrong or make my point heard; I’m just listening. I’m not making any commitments to you. i’m just listening

As we go through this active listening process, it is valuable to speak in short sentences rather than long paragraphs. This keeps us up to date with each other. We will know what we have said. We will know what has been heard. Most people, especially when arguing with each other, speak in paragraph form and go on and on. Your partner responds to, reacts to, or defends against the last thing said. His junk is also in paragraph form, and they go on and on. Your partner does the same, and a downward spiral of miscommunication and misunderstanding ensues, leaving everyone dissatisfied, exhausted, and defeated. Since most of what has been said went unanswered, everyone feels unheard, and yes, they now have to repeat themselves and/or yell at each other some more.

Yuck! I would say that this type of communication is not very effective. However, if we speak in short sentences and repeat what we have heard using the words of others, we will know that everything has been heard correctly. As a result, the repetition and shouting decreases, and we can move towards creating a win-win solution.

This can be a very tedious process and I wouldn’t ask you to do it for more than ten or fifteen minutes at a time. And of course you don’t have to do this with all of your communication. It’s only during those difficult or sensitive times that it’s necessary, or when you find yourself repeating yourself or raising your voice.

In the communication process, I put the responsibility on both sides of the fence. This means that if I find myself repeating or raising my voice, I can ask him what he heard me say. Or if he is repeating himself or raising his voice, I can go into the active listening process and tell him what I hear him say. The responsibility for clear communication rests with everyone involved.

People often get into trouble or have communication problems when they make assumptions. The definition of assume is in the spelling. Every time we assume something, we make an “ass” of “you” and “me”. Making things even more challenging and confusing is that most people assume against themselves. They get lost in their fantasies. They have a negative internal dialogue.

They forget that their partner is on their side. They forget that their partner is his ally. Most primary relationships have some unstated agreements. The agreements are as follows: We love each other and will not knowingly do anything to hurt each other. We are a team, and we are here to work together. We’ll watch each other’s backs and protect ourselves. The main intention of the other is not to hurt each other but to create a relationship where love and peace can exist and flourish.

If this is true, then how come people get into arguments where they hurt each other? If you watch and listen, you will see and hear that most arguments occur when someone has made a wrong assumption. Due to your wrong assumption, your partner reacts defensively. They feel they need to defend themselves against the supposed attack. They move into a “correction” position and try to force their partner to see their point of view.

Your partner feels attacked and often insulted and feels that you have to attack back. Now they are both arguing from their position of “righteousness”. Hurtful words are spoken and more defenses and attacks occur. Eventually, one of the partners will dominate the other and “win” the argument, or both will get tired and temporarily withdraw. After a cooling time, they remember that they love each other. They don’t like the feeling of separation and soon wonder, “Why were we fighting?” They reconcile and all is forgiven. A bandage is placed over the open wound and life goes on, that is, until another wrong assumption is made along the way and another fight begins, and so on.

Eventually, the couple withdraws their love for each other, and over time, separation occurs.

There’s another way? you ask. Yes, there certainly is. However, it requires a change. In couples therapy, the first statement I usually make is, “If you like the results you’re having in your relationship, then keep doing what you’re doing. If you want different results, then you’re going to have to do something different.” is that we will find out.” This is where the concept of “intention verse method” comes in. As I said before, I am not attached to the method; however, I am focused on the intention of creating a loving and peaceful relationship.

What to do different? There are so many things that it is difficult to start. Let’s look at the situation above and see what could be done differently to create love and peace in that relationship.

One thing a couple can do is what I call a perception check. A perception check is a communication process in which we check our perceptions or our assumptions. Basically, we asked our partner what he meant by his statement or what was the intention behind his statement. This might sound like “That comment made me feel like a bad kid. Were you trying to make me feel stupid? Were you trying to teach me a lesson? Were you attacking me? Was your intention to hurt me and make me feel bad? Were you trying to hurt me or punish me?”

For the most part, I’ve found that people try to get their partner to “do it,” whatever it is, the “right” way. The correct way to do “it” is usually your way. They want their partner to be safe in the world and not get hurt or appear stupid to others, so they will correct or raise their partner the way they were corrected or raised as children. Often the correction or nurturing process is very dysfunctional and ineffective.

However, it is how their parents corrected them and how their parents loved them, and because they love their partner, they correct their partner the way they were corrected.

By doing a perception check, you often discover that the intent of the communication was not to hurt, but rather to prevent your partner from being hurt or doing something “bad” where harm would occur on some level.

It is not weird? We hurt the person we love as a way to avoid being hurt.

When doing a perception test, we often find that we misunderstood our partner; we assumed they were after us and therefore felt we needed to hit them back. We could also do some active listening as a way to really hear what is being said. Active listening is another way to avoid taking on what is being said. With clear, active, and accurate communication, most people can work together as a unit and remain in a loving and peaceful place.

Working together as a unit is the key to a healthy, long-term relationship. However, this often brings up the issue of control. I often hear people say, “He always wants to do it her way” or “She always wants to be in control and do it her way.” The truth is, we all want to be in control all the time. In truth, it is not a question of control; it is a question of direction. To understand this better, let’s explore the concept of direction.