Many of the questions that cheated wives ask me have to do with sex. People worry that their sex life is not “normal” before or after the adventure. They often seek assurance that their feelings or experience are valid.
An example is the couple whose marriage has just been severely altered because the husband has cheated on them. Understandably, the wife often wants to pause her sex life while trying to figure out how she wants to proceed. Sometimes the husband is not happy with this arrangement and will try to make her feel like she is wrong to even suggest it.
This is what I mean. A wife might say, “I kicked my husband out of our room after I found out about him cheating. It was hard for me to even look at him, much less have him sleeping next to me or even thinking we might have sex. I don’t want him to even me. touch, much less make me sexual movements. I did not tell him to leave our house for our children. And also because I want to reserve the right to take my time to decide what I really want. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. In fact, one of my best friends went through this and said that she and her husband didn’t share a bed until six months after the relationship. The husband acts like I’m being unreasonable. He says he also has friends who have dealt with infidelity and that his male friends are telling him that they still shared a bedroom after the affair. He admits that not everyone was having sex right away, but insists the men were not they are expelled from their bedrooms. Who has the reason? “
I think both people may be right. But it doesn’t really matter what other couples decide to do. What matters is what works for YOU. The arrangement that couples have when it comes to their bedroom varies a lot. One partner may be comfortable still in the same room, while the other may not. I don’t think you should feel bad if you want to sleep in separate rooms for a while.
I did this too and said it was a better compromise than having my husband leave our house permanently. She just couldn’t deal with the proximity of sharing a room when she was so angry and hurt. He respected this because I think he realized that the situation was his fault and understood why I would not want to share a bed with him at that time.
I didn’t want to feel pressured to have sex. I needed time on my own. I wanted quiet, private nights where I could be alone with my thoughts and not be constantly questioned. We interacted during the first few days for the good of our family. But at night, we would go our separate ways, although sometimes I would ask her to talk or watch TV with me, but we did it in the living room, not the bedroom.
This continued for a while as we tried to resolve the issues and heal. But it did not last forever. I must admit that we started resuming sex a bit before my husband officially returned to our room. I guess we wanted to test the waters and move gradually. I didn’t get too stressed out about it. I used how I felt as a guide. As I felt closer to my husband again and we began to restore confidence, I began to feel more desire for him and so our sex life and sharing a bedroom naturally resumed.
But I didn’t allow myself to feel pressured by this. And it would have been impossible for me to feel that desire in the first days. I was too angry and hurt and therefore my emotions were turned off. Everyone is different, but to feel the physical desire, I have to feel an emotional connection. And that was not possible when the matter was still fresh.
I think another consideration here is that not everyone will be honest about their bedroom habits. And that’s okay because, frankly, it’s nobody else’s business. But your husband’s friends who say they never left their bedroom may not be being completely honest. They may not want to appear like they were not in control of their own marriage, so they are not admitting that they spent any time outside of their own bedroom. Again, it’s your business. But I don’t want you to blindly believe this and feel like something is wrong with you because you didn’t make the same decision.
I firmly believe that you have every right to decide what works for you. If it doesn’t feel right to share a room right now, I don’t see any benefit in forcing yourself to do so. If you think it would be helpful to talk about this, a suggestion might be something like: “I listen to what you are saying. But I don’t care what our friends have done. Because it is about us and what is right for us.” our situation. Right now, I just want a little time for myself. I’m not saying it will always be like this. But for now, I feel like I want to be alone at night.
I think one of the reasons husbands push to stay in their bedroom is not necessarily because of the sex. It is because they are afraid that if they leave it even for a while, they may never invite them back to their bedroom. This often turns out to be false. And sometimes it helps if you tell them that as you start to heal, you may eventually change your mind about this.