Denial is serious. It is a refusal to acknowledge the truth or reality. It can have benefits, but denial can also be our downfall and have life-threatening consequences. It affects not only people. Denial in the form of “groupthink” can dangerously take over entire families and groups. Organizations, subcultures, religious sects, and political fanatics can deny abuse, addiction, racism, genocide, corruption, and criminality.

We can deny both positive and negative input. Denial can restrict the expression of our rights, our power, and our abilities, lowering our self-esteem and ability to pursue our goals.

Denial is a defense mechanism

Denial is the first and simplest psychological defense mechanism. Children generally deny committing a crime to avoid reprimand. I remember my 4-year-old son shaking his head as he shook his chocolate-stained mouth that he had eaten ice cream in the wee hours of the morning. Adults also deny wrongdoing, particularly politicians, criminals, abusers, addicts, and adulterers. Conscious lies are often motivated by self-preservation and fear of punishment. While they are not admirable, they are understandable, though less understanding when motivated by a quest for power. What is more troublesome is our refusal to believe in them.

Denial is usually unconscious. We all do it. It can be difficult to discover something that is unconscious. We don’t just fool ourselves, we forget, excuse, rationalize, and minimize. We may be aware of the facts, but deny or minimize the consequences, or even acknowledge them, but stubbornly refuse to change or get help.

Why we deny

Our brain is designed to survive, and denial does that. There are many reasons for denial, including avoidance of physical or emotional pain. Denial is adaptive when it helps us cope with difficult emotions, such as in the early stages of grief after the loss of a loved one, especially if the separation or death is sudden. Denial allows our body-mind to adapt more gradually to the impact.

Denial also builds cohesion, especially between loved ones. It is a unifying force between spouses and between families, groups or political parties. We overlook things that could cause arguments, hurt, or separation. One study showed that people will forgive a member of a clique four to five times more than a stranger. Idealization supports denial and blinds us to anything that spoils respect for a partner, family, group member, or leader.

We deny reality to maintain the status quo out of fear of change and the unknown. For this reason, people believe in the demonization of immigrants or other races or religions. If we favor a politician or love an unfaithful or abusive partner, we can ignore truths that would create disappointment and / or force us to struggle with uncomfortable feelings and what to do. A cheated spouse might prefer to believe lies rather than face an intolerable situation that is not only painful, but could have unintended consequences, such as divorce.

We defend the falsehoods and outright lies of the people we want to believe in. We distrust information that is contrary to our beliefs (including unconscious ones) and will even be duplicated to reduce internal conflict or “cognitive dissonance.” This process is called motivated reasoning that helps regulate emotion. Consciously and unconsciously, we select information that affirms our beliefs and ignore facts that do not. When we have internalized shame, we will do the same with positive feedback that is inconsistent with negative internal beliefs about ourselves. Low self-esteem makes it difficult to receive a compliment, praise, and love. If we think we don’t deserve it, our minds can turn a compliment into criticism, and we can’t convince ourselves otherwise!

Shame generates denial in both victims and liars. It’s a major cause of unreported abuse – why victims don’t disclose, downplay, and deny it, and why addicts don’t seek help. We could ignore our growing debt to avoid the same of admitting it and having to reduce our expenses or living standards. A parent may look the other way to avoid accepting responsibility when their child is bullying peers or taking drugs. Facing the truth can expose us to pain, possible loss, and shame over our own behavior or shortcomings.

When we are trained to deny

Incredibly, when we are children, we are often taught to deny our perceptions. Parents routinely contradict children’s perceptions to manipulate them, to protect another family member, or to hide family secrets, such as addiction; for example, “Dad (who has passed out) wants to play with you; he’s just tired,” or “That movie is no longer playing (although it clearly is)” or “Your brother didn’t want to hit you.”

Parents also deny children’s needs and feelings, telling them that they shouldn’t or shouldn’t feel a certain way or that they need or want something. Children idealize their parents and must adapt to survive. They blame themselves and learn to doubt or deny perceptions, feelings, wants, and needs. This can lead to toxic embarrassment that unconsciously colors your entire adult life. Some people repress or deny their past and insist that they had a happy childhood to avoid painful truths.

We also deny the problems that arose around. We will not realize that something is wrong. If we were emotionally abused as children, we may not acknowledge the abuse or object to the abuse. We are likely to accept the blame, or minimize it, excuse it, or rationalize it, for example, “It’s my fault,” “It’s enough that she loves me,” “My husband doesn’t mean it,” or “My wife just has a temper. “. If we are abused, we may not realize or protect our child who is being incessant. If we grew up with alcoholism, we could normalize our spouse’s or our own addiction to alcohol. Denial affects future generations and can put families and entire groups through decades of shame that is hard to reverse. When we face the truth, we can seek help and disrupt that legacy.

How they harm us

When we deny negative feelings and memories, our senses go numb. All of our feelings are repressed, including joy and love. We become more and more numb as our hearts close. Similarly, when we deny our wants and needs, our enjoyment of life diminishes. We sacrifice our desires and live in silent despair. Denial of our worth prevents us from receiving love and achieving our goals or obtaining any satisfaction from our successes.

Also, when we repeatedly disconnect from reality, problems grow. Sweeping something important under the rug makes it harder to correct later. Many people who fear cancer delay obtaining biopsies, although early intervention leads to better results. The same goes for treating marital and mental health problems.

Our psyche knows the truth and our discomfort can manifest as passive-aggressive or addictive behavior, displaced anger, or as a physical or mental health problem. It shows that denial of stress and negative emotions carries serious health risks that can lead to heart attacks, surgery, and death.

When a society denies racism, corruption, immorality or abuse of power, institutions are in jeopardy. Like individuals, societies get sick. People become numb, develop a sense of worthlessness, and a downward spiral occurs that allows for the worst in human nature.

How to change

Change requires courage and the desire to live in the truth. We often need support, especially when the fear of facing something or someone is great. The fear of embarrassment causes unnecessary anxiety. It is not a good reason to delay, because we can overcome embarrassment.

* Be more mindful through meditation and journaling.

* When you have a knee-jerk reaction to opposing views, breathe.

Get all the facts. You don’t have to agree, but listen to alternative opinions.

and interpretations of facts.

* Challenge your underlying assumptions. Where do your beliefs come from?

They are useful? Could reasonable people disagree?

* Do you have illusions about a problem when the facts show otherwise?

* Excuse, rationalize or minimize a problem or hide it from others?

* Don’t bury problems and assume that no one notices. Instead, be willing to start

difficult conversations about uncomfortable topics

* Take constructive steps to reduce worry and stress.

* Don’t procrastinate. Talk to a professional about your concerns.

© DarleneLancer 2018