By definition, getting divorced means you got hurt. Your initial hopes and dreams for the relationship have been shattered. Much of the pain of divorce seems unfair. You are angry at the person who hurt you. You are angry at yourself for allowing it to happen to you. It seems fair to let your ex-spouse know how badly you were treated. It also seems fair that you let your friends and relatives know that you are right and your spouse is wrong. Therefore, it is extremely easy to be seduced and obsessed with whether you are right and your spouse is wrong. Even to the point of giving up your own happiness in the process.

This begs the question: “What Really Do you want in your recovery from divorce? “Or, more clearly,” If you had to choose between being right or being happy, what would you choose? “

Sounds silly! Is this a real choice that people make?

Who wouldn’t choose to be happy? The real life dilemma of having to make the “obvious” choice between being right or being happy was reminded to me by a change consulting client in the early 1990s. Until this incident, I didn’t even believe that option existed, because he believed that anyone would choose to be happy over anything else, even to be right, regardless of the situation. How naive I was:

Janet’s story. Janet was a manager of a government organization. He was having trouble with his two top-performing subordinate supervisors over some minor office problem. His supervisors were close friends, and they delivered routine reports using a format that had too wide a left margin on the form. Clearly not a big deal in the general scheme of things. Janet told them several times to change the format, but they never did. Clearly, they were doing it to annoy Janet, who was not to everyone’s liking.

Janet’s alternatives of choice were to make a formal problem of her “insubordination” and “write them down”, or simply ignore it to maintain a calm work environment for the entire department, knowing that it would disappear if she no longer worked. such a matter of it. He was driving her crazy. She spent time trying to find a basis for firing them, knowing that if she used “inadequate reporting margins” as a reason, she would be the one in trouble. Not to mention, he would lose his two best employees.

So, thinking that I could force her to see the ridiculous nature of her discomfort, I asked her, “Janet, would you rather be straight and make a big fuss over your minor insubordination? Or would you rather be happy and overlook what’s in the general scheme of things, isn’t that a big deal? “Without hesitation, he looked me straight in the eye and said” Jerald, I’d rather be right. “

The pros and cons of being right

We have been taught from an early age that being “right” is a good thing. What child doesn’t want to get the “correct answer”? However, sometimes what we learn as children is not always as black and white as it may seem.

The advantage of being right. When you’re right, you can gloat and say to your ex, “I told you so.” You can humiliate your ex by reminding him over and over again, “I was right and you were wrong.” You can enjoy feeling superior and self-righteous. You will feel competent, in control, and powerful.

The downside of being right. The rush to be right doesn’t last. And what if you won a game from the past? And now and in the future? The people you forced into a corner for being right are less willing to cooperate with you in the future. They are less likely to be willing to adhere to the rules of divorce, at least voluntarily. They may follow the letter of the law, but not the spirit, which condemns things like asking your ex to change the children’s visiting hours to accommodate a last-minute change in your work schedule. Forcing your ex to be right breeds resentment. You can easily make a difficult relationship practically impossible, especially if you are raising children with your ex.

The pros and cons of being happy

People don’t just “flip a switch” and suddenly feel happy. After going through a divorce, there are two conditions that are necessary for you to feel happy about life after divorce: (1) the removal of everybody ties, both positive and negative, tangible and emotional, with your ex, and (2) a sense of optimism about the future. You know you’ve erased all attachments to your ex when you can’t conjure up any current positive feelings or any negative feelings about your ex or the past life that you both shared. A sense of optimism comes from realizing that the next chapter in your life will allow you to become the person you “want to be.”

The advantage of being happy. Well, not to stress the obvious, being happy feels good. Isn’t happiness and fulfillment your life goal in the next chapter? You feel competent to successfully handle the difficult situation of divorce. You feel powerful knowing that you honored and played with your inner principles. He is proud to have had his head set and been on the lookout for the prize without being distracted by ego or peer pressure.

The downside of being happy. Happiness has a price. You don’t feel all powerful, in control, and intimidating. You will probably have to give up some things that are rightfully your own. You melt into the background instead of being up front on the throne with the television lights shining on you. You must agree that the other person thinks they won. May appear “weak” “to family and friends.

So what is the point?

It all comes down to how you handle the internal conflict between your ego and your humility. There is no “math winner” in any divorce. We all suffer pain and endure disappointment in a divorce. Being happy often means that you have to swallow your pride to get what you want: a life free of attachments and full of optimism after divorce. Being happy allows you to see clearly what you need to do to dissolve the sources of resistance to change that prevent you from enjoying your life after divorce.

In his song The player, Kenny Rodgers describes the key to being happy like this: “You have to know when to hold ‘em. Know when to fold ‘em. To know when to walk away. Know when to run. “

It turns out that one of the bravest acts a divorced person can do is choose to “be happy.”

The way I would describe this choice is by asking the most important question Anyone who is divorced might be asked, “Are you willing to let being happy be enough?”