I recently heard from a wife who had some pretty mixed feelings. Her husband had left her about eight months ago. She was absolutely devastated when he left. There were days when she didn’t even want to get out of bed or continue with her normal life. But she, somehow, she put one foot in front of the other every day and kept going. Over time, she began to cope more effectively all the time. This is not to say that she did not want her husband back now. She did. But she, she was just starting to get used to living alone and she had a hard time understanding why she suddenly wanted to go back when nothing had changed.

She said, in part: “Eight months ago when he left, I would have done anything to get him home. I begged him to stay. I promised to get counseling and make some real changes, but he didn’t listen to any of this. Nor He wasn’t even in constant contact with me. We haven’t done any work on the marriage. Nothing has changed. So why, out of the blue, does he suddenly decide he wants to go back? “Makes a lot of sense. And now I’m afraid that he might want to come back because he’s lonely or because he just wants to save some money. That being said, I love him and want to stay married to him. But I am conflicted. What should I do?”

This situation is not so uncommon. Very often, as soon as the wife in the scenario begins to accept that she is going to live her own life, the husband who left suddenly becomes interested again. It’s almost like when you start to lose interest in begging him to come home, you’re suddenly a lot more interesting to him. And, her curiosity gets the better of him and he wants to know what made you change your strategy. Don’t you love him anymore? Are you moving forward? Have you found someone better?

I understand the wife’s reluctance. Nothing had changed and her husband’s change of mind was very abrupt. Still, she needed to wonder what she really wanted from this situation. And what she really wanted was to get her husband back. But, she wanted him back in a healthy way where there had been significant changes that would make both of them feel much better about the chances of their marriage not only surviving but thriving. I told the wife that nothing said that she had to let him move out before she was comfortable with this. There was nothing wrong with having a meaningful and honest conversation that might help her feel more comfortable moving forward gradually.

When your husband suddenly wants to come home, it’s best to take it easy: As I mentioned, no one said that the wife had to let the husband come home that day or even the next. There was no reason for her to feel pressured. However, she feared that if she doubted her, her husband might change her mind. In short, she felt that she had to handle this correctly for him to actually move on and come home.

I understand these concerns. But, I felt strongly that if the wife invited him home without both of them putting their cards on the table and defining how and why things are going to change, then they are just setting themselves up for disappointment (and possibly him leaving). new). ) later. There was nothing wrong with the wife addressing his concerns very directly.

You could say something like, “You know I’d love for you to come home when we’ve got a few things figured out. But I’m worried that we’re moving too fast. And I suspect that if we move too fast, we may both be disappointed with the results. I want to hope you come home to a marriage that can be healthy and happy and that will last forever so why don’t we just take it easy and see if we can make some lasting improvements which means this is the last time we do we need to have this conversation?”

Preparing him so that his marriage is healthy enough that they both want him to come home: The last thing you want to do is allow your husband to come home too soon so that the two of you are fighting and come full circle a few days after living under the same roof again. Sometimes it’s better to just take the big issues off the table until she can reconnect in a meaningful way and she feels like her marriage is back on track. Because trying to solve her biggest problems before reconnecting and investing again will usually lead to failure and disappointment.

Instead, take it easy and focus on spending joyful and enjoyable time together. You can take advantage of every little encounter because you have set it up so that the pressure is low and you both anticipate spending more time together. This sets you up to both want more and both are interested in seeing how it will all turn out without the pressure of living under the same roof but without the fear that something is going to mess things up forever.

The real key is to just take things slowly until you get to the point where it’s very obvious that you both want your husband to come home forever. You want to get to the point where the relationship has become healthy enough that resuming your marriage and him coming home to you is the next logical step. And you want to get to the place where you’re sure this is the last time you’ll have to deal with this because your issues have been resolved and you’re both equally committed to (and happy with) the marriage.